How to Survive the Christmas Season
So, you’re looking to survive the apocalypse….er….the
Christmas season? No? You think you got it all together? Well think again.
Christmas is coming. It’s not even American Thanksgiving and the Chrismasites
are out in full swing. They’ll turn you. They’ll eat your brains. I mean,
spread Christmas cheer? Even before November first, people (marketers and the
crazies) were pumping out the Christmas horror cheer. Even I got in on
this action, which you can see here (ah, the shameless self-promotion). But wait,
isn’t there like almost a month and a bit until Christmas? Exactly. Less than
two months and constant Christmasites in action. You need a game plan. I need a
game plan. We all need a game plan or we’re going to be buried under a mountain
of shiny, sparkly, candy cane scented madness. So read on to find out how to
survive the Christmas season.
Embrace the Chaos
Counterintuitive, I know, but you have to fight madness with
madness. Your neighbour puts up their lights, you put up bigger lights. That
lady organizes a church bake sale for Christmas (do these actually happen in
real life?), you make the best horrible fruit cake you can muster. The stores
are bombarding you with gifts for Christmas, you go: Ha! *snaps fingers in
dramatic fashion* I got my shopping done in July! If people are going to come
at you from all sides (and they will) you go on offense and you beat them to
the punch. You outdo them in outdoing Christmas (that doesn’t make sense). If
your neighbour buys a Christmas outfit for their dog, you buy a reindeer, with
a red nose.
Live in Denial
Opposite of the first one, you live in denial. What is this “Christmas” you people speak
of, it is still shorts weather *said will shivering visibly in snow in
shorts and a t-shirt*. You just ignore all the advertisers and decorations. You
just choose to think people have gone mildly insane for a spell. You don’t have
to survive the Christmas season, because Christmas doesn’t exist. This thing
called snow is just really heavy
rain. Christmas cookies, are just cookies with cinnamon, and weird shapes. That
reindeer with the red nose, is really just a confused caribou who is sick. All
those blinking lights and Christmas specials on TV? They’re just another sign
the world has gone insane and you’re the only one left with any sense.
Go Incognito
No, not the Google browser. You go undercover and infiltrate
the zombies Christmasites. You become one of them. You drink the
kool-aid. Or at least, you pretend to. You masquerade as one of them. Be like
them. Copy them. Break into random Christmas themed song and dance. Make the
Christmasites think you’re a Christmasite. And then? Then they leave you alone
and you can live out the Christmas season in peace. You’re off the list of
people to convert. You’re living the high life.
Remember the True
Meaning of Christmas
If all else fails, remember why Christmas is such a big
deal. Before the rabid consumerism took over. Christmas is a day of celebration
with your family, whether you celebrate the religious aspect of it or not. It
is all too easy to get wrapped up in more, more, more, in this life and forget
about the simple things. Also, if you don’t celebrate Christmas I would love to
know in the comments how you spend this time of year, and what you celebrate.
Or if you do celebrate Christmas I’d love to know that too. For myself, I just
celebrate in the normal way, family, presents, too many candles and dancing
fluffy things. Now, go out there and survive the Christmas season!
Photo Credit: Andrés Nieto Porras Christma's Friends via photopin (license)
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