How To Honor Your Father On Father's Day

Fathers are important to children. They make you feel happy when you're sad. They drive you places. They give you money, and they hold a gun to any guy you bring home so you'll never be married until they die. That is, if they don't haunt you from the dead. But that's okay, because they love you and you love them. So lets look at how you can pay them back. Hint: take this post with a grain of salt. A large grain of salt.

1. Get them up bright and early at four am. Fathers should get to sleep in on Father's Day? Who told you that? You'd be wasting perfectly good compulsory time spent together. In fact, why not get them up at three am!

2. Make them a breakfast of champions. Eggs, bacon, and toast? No! That stuff is filled with heart clogging goodness. You want your dad to be around for a long time. Make them an egg white omelet with nothing else, three leaves of spinach for a salad (no fatty-fat dressing), and a protein shake made with lots of green leafy vegetables. YUM!

3. Do an activity together. Like watching football? Or other TV? Um, no. That stuff is enjoyable. But it is also lazy! No, your dad cannot take Father's Day off! What you should do is work your father to the bone to show him how much you love him. You must become a drill sergeant and get him in shape. Run laps, do jumping jacks, lift weights. No rests in between. Resting is for the weak. If you can still breath, you're not working hard enough.

4. Massage. After all that hard work, your dad will likely be tired, and he could probably use a massage. But none of this weak hand rubbing massage business, you'll need a baseball bat. Now, don't hit him so hard that you make the organs bleed, you just want to do it hard enough that it reverberates throughout his body. He may scream in pain when you do it, but he'll thank you later.

5. Relax. After all that compulsory fun together, it's time for a little compulsory relaxation time. Find your favorite chick flick and make him suffer through...I mean, watch it with you. You'll both have fun!

Just a word of caution, this is a joke post and I urge you not to take things to this extreme. But, the ideas are sound in that you can get up together, make your dad breakfast, do something fun together, get a massage, and watch a movie. I hope you enjoyed it!

How are you planning on spending your Father's Day?