Sunday, 15 November 2015

How to Survive the Christmas Season

5247259255 c538e8eef0So, you’re looking to survive the apocalypse….er….the Christmas season? No? You think you got it all together? Well think again. Christmas is coming. It’s not even American Thanksgiving and the Chrismasites are out in full swing. They’ll turn you. They’ll eat your brains. I mean, spread Christmas cheer? Even before November first, people (marketers and the crazies) were pumping out the Christmas horror cheer. Even I got in on this action, which you can see here (ah, the shameless self-promotion). But wait, isn’t there like almost a month and a bit until Christmas? Exactly. Less than two months and constant Christmasites in action. You need a game plan. I need a game plan. We all need a game plan or we’re going to be buried under a mountain of shiny, sparkly, candy cane scented madness. So read on to find out how to survive the Christmas season.

Embrace the Chaos

Counterintuitive, I know, but you have to fight madness with madness. Your neighbour puts up their lights, you put up bigger lights. That lady organizes a church bake sale for Christmas (do these actually happen in real life?), you make the best horrible fruit cake you can muster. The stores are bombarding you with gifts for Christmas, you go: Ha! *snaps fingers in dramatic fashion* I got my shopping done in July! If people are going to come at you from all sides (and they will) you go on offense and you beat them to the punch. You outdo them in outdoing Christmas (that doesn’t make sense). If your neighbour buys a Christmas outfit for their dog, you buy a reindeer, with a red nose.

Live in Denial

Opposite of the first one, you live in denial. What is this “Christmas” you people speak of, it is still shorts weather *said will shivering visibly in snow in shorts and a t-shirt*. You just ignore all the advertisers and decorations. You just choose to think people have gone mildly insane for a spell. You don’t have to survive the Christmas season, because Christmas doesn’t exist. This thing called snow is just really heavy rain. Christmas cookies, are just cookies with cinnamon, and weird shapes. That reindeer with the red nose, is really just a confused caribou who is sick. All those blinking lights and Christmas specials on TV? They’re just another sign the world has gone insane and you’re the only one left with any sense.

Go Incognito

No, not the Google browser. You go undercover and infiltrate the zombies Christmasites. You become one of them. You drink the kool-aid. Or at least, you pretend to. You masquerade as one of them. Be like them. Copy them. Break into random Christmas themed song and dance. Make the Christmasites think you’re a Christmasite. And then? Then they leave you alone and you can live out the Christmas season in peace. You’re off the list of people to convert. You’re living the high life.

Remember the True Meaning of Christmas

If all else fails, remember why Christmas is such a big deal. Before the rabid consumerism took over. Christmas is a day of celebration with your family, whether you celebrate the religious aspect of it or not. It is all too easy to get wrapped up in more, more, more, in this life and forget about the simple things. Also, if you don’t celebrate Christmas I would love to know in the comments how you spend this time of year, and what you celebrate. Or if you do celebrate Christmas I’d love to know that too. For myself, I just celebrate in the normal way, family, presents, too many candles and dancing fluffy things. Now, go out there and survive the Christmas season!



Photo Credit: Andrés Nieto Porras  Christma's Friends via photopin (license)

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